You are often described as accomplished, successful, and an overachiever, but you continuously question your worth, worry about being judged, and feel stressed, exhausted, and lonely. If this sounds familiar, you might be a perfectionist. Data from a 2024 study indicated that 92% of people are affected by perfectionism, with 86% believing it negatively impacts their work and 72% finding it detrimental to relationships.
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines perfectionism as “the tendency to demand of others or of oneself, an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.” Additional symptoms of perfectionism include setting unrealistic standards, fear of failure, constant need for approval, excessive self-criticism, procrastination, and difficulty relaxing and accepting praise.
Your perfectionism has likely helped you achieve, and you don’t have to do away with it altogether. With a few tweaks, you can shift from clinical perfectionism: “where self-worth becomes excessively dependent on achieving high, self-imposed standards in a significant life domain, despite experiencing negative consequences.” to adaptive perfectionism: “characterized by setting high standards and ambitious goals, coupled with the ability to find satisfaction in one’s efforts and achievements, even if they aren’t flawless.”
In the 2024 book “How to be enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists” the author, Ellen Hendriksen, discusses seven shifts to move towards adaptive perfectionism:
Shift 1: from self-criticism to kindness. We know that we expect to be evaluated by ourselves and/or others for our actions, but instead of focusing the spotlight in ourselves, try shinning it on your behaviour. A little self-compassion is also helpful. For example, when trying tennis for the first time, instead of your tendency to think: “I suck at this”, take on the role of a supportive coach and think: “This is hard. I will keep my eye on the ball.”
Shift 2: from labels to values. When we hold firmly to labels like being a perfect parent, or a straight-A student, we can feel pressure to continuously live up to these labels. Focusing on your values will point you in a healthier direction. Instead of striving for perfection as a parent, focus on your value of family. Instead of pursuing straight A’s, focus on your value of learning. your behaviour may look similar, but you’ll feel better.
Shift 3: from rules to flexibility. Clinging to those rigid unwritten rules like: “I must always be productive”, or “Rest is a waste of time”, are impossible to live up to and can lead to burnout and loneliness. Start to notice your rules. When you notice the “I should’s” and the “I have to’s” name the rule and then try an opposing new behaviour. For example, you are tired after a busy day at work and notice the dirty dishes in the sink. “I should do those dishes now”, pops into your head. Acknowledge your rule: “The kitchen must always be clean”. And then instead of immediately washing the dishes, try heading to your favourite spot in the house for a moment of rest.
Shift 4: from holding on to letting go. Perfectionists have a tendency to set impossibly high standards and view unmet expectations a failures. Remember that nobody can overcome every obstacle or solve every problem. Allow for some flexibility in your goal setting and let go of the expectation that you will never make a mistake or do anything embarrassing.
Shift 5: from procrastination to productivity. We procrastinate to get rid of the bad feelings that surface when we are faced with a dreaded task, but doing so results in a lot of self-criticism, guilt, and shame. Consider that you can handle the initial bad feeling while also getting started on the tak. So, when you think about working on that dreaded report, acknowledge the icky feeling, and start writing. Breaking tasks down into ridiculously small steps will also help to gain mini successes as you pursue the larger task. Finally, understand why you procrastinate and forgive yourself for doing so.
Shift 6: from comparison to contentment. It is natural to compare ourselves to others to determine how we measure up, but perfectionist often feel they must be better than their peers in order to be accepted. We tend to compare age and job title, without considering the many other variables that contribute to our status. When you add more criteria to compare you see that comparison is impossible. Envy and jealousy are unavoidable feelings, but we do have the ability to change our behaviour when envy or jealousy show up. Notice what your thoughts want you to do and try doing the opposite. Eg/Your friend just returned from Italy. You’re envious and would prefer to avoid the topic, but instead you ask her all about it. This will likely deepen your friendship.
Shift 7: from control to authenticity. Perfectionists are almost too good at regulating or suppressing their emotions. When we hide our emotions, people find us difficult to read and might avoid us. When you allow your facial expression to match your feelings inside and are willing to show some vulnerability, interactions will feel easier and people will like and trust you more. Remember that you can handle whatever might happen while others are watching. Disclosing something a little vulnerable will also breed connection with others and reduce feelings of isolation.
We all want to be accepted, and we think that being exceptional will secure our belonging. Ironically your exceptional performance can set you apart from the group. You will feel less lonely when you divide your focus equally between performance, connection, and enjoyment. Learn to focus on what is meaningful and let the self-criticism become background noise. Finally, consider the question Hendriksen ended her book with: “If you knew you were enough just as you are, what would you be doing with your life?”
