Most of us are familiar with the social skill of masking. Perhaps it is going to an interview-you dress a certain way, watch your posture, choose your words carefully, and observe the reactions of those around you more carefully. Most people find these experiences tiring and are happy to come home, relax and just be themselves.
Imagine if you had to mask not just for a few hours, but for years – or even most of your life. Imagine constantly receiving the message that your true self isn’t acceptable, that you must always adjust to make others comfortable. This, sadly, is often the reality of many autistic people, especially the ones who are diagnosed later in life.
Long-term masking is exhausting and can lead to burnout, depression, and other struggles. The long-term feedback that you are not good enough for others as you are, is devastating. Some of my clients have never had the chance to explore who they are without the mask. Sometimes, the best gift we can give the autistic people in our lives is the freedom to be themselves-without judgement or pressure to change for our comfort. Here are some ideas to help create safety so the autistic people in your life can embrace who they are without the mask.
- Get Comfortable with Stimming: Stimming is a natural way to regulate our feelings. most people do it occasionally when they experience a strong feeling. Think about the jumping and arm flapping of Price is Right contestants when they are called to the stage or the rocking of a grieving person. Autistic people are often more in touch with their body’s need for movement and use stimming regularly as a coping tool. Being asked to be still or stop flapping is also a request for them to mask and not be themselves. Supporting and loving our autistic friends means recognizing stimming as a valid form of self-regulation, celebrating its role in theri well-being, and creating space for it without judgement.
- Eye Contact is Not the Only Way to Show Respect: Autistic people often find eye contact to be exhausting or overwhelming. While there may be social situations where eye contact is expected, allowing them to look where they feel most comfortable is essential or authentic communication. It can be helpful to understand that avoiding eye contact does not mean they are not listening, or not interested.
- Be Aware of Environmental Stressors: Many autistic people find sensory stimulation to be stressful, making it difficult to focus or be themselves. Understanding which noises, sensations, or lighting conditions are challenging for them to manage and creating a safe space without these stressors, is a meaningful way to offer support and help them feel at ease.
- Be Gentle and Go Slowly: If someone has faced rejection for who they are, unmasking can feel overwhelming and difficult. Let them change at a pace that works for them. Offering gentle reassurance that they are safe to be their authentic self if and when they choose. If you’ve been less open in the past, acknowledging this and offering an apology can help build trust and create a more supportive environment.
Autism offers a unique way of experiencing and engaging with the world. Embracing and supporting autistic individuals as they are allows them to thrive and grow in wonderful ways. It also enriches your relationship with them and our society as a whole.
