An attractive 16 year old girl was describing how hard it was for her to go to school each day. She complained that while she had two friends at school, neither was in any of her classes. I suggested that this gave her an opportunity to reach out and make some casual connections with her classmates. She opposed the idea saying hi to a classmate, telling me that, “No one does that”. When, in the past, a teen has resisted the suggestion of initiating a friendly gesture with a peer they didn’t already know, I tended to interpret their reticence as a reflection of their own social anxiety. However, this recent conversation happened on the heels of a session with a 15 year old boy from a different high school who had just told me essentially the same thing, ie that “No one does that”. Suddenly I heard what these students were saying!
A few days later I was able to run this by a few high school teachers I know. My nephew, a senior high science teacher, verified what my two teen clients had described he told em that he was so concerned about the lack of connection he was observing among his students that he promised 5%, and then changed that to a 10%, increase in their final mark to any student who learned the names of all their classmates. While my nephew is passionate about teaching chemistry to his students, he recognized that it was even more important that his students learned how to connect socially.
Another astute 16 year old client shared her own person observation that almost all of her classmates were “glued to their phones” while waiting for classes to start. She compared the phone to a security blanket, whereby one could “look” connected (rather than “needy”) while, at the same time, avoid the awkwardness of connecting with those around them. It occurred to me that this apparent lack of connection among classmates would presumably make the classroom feel far less personal, less inviting and more intimidating that the high school classrooms I remember.
It seems that the university scene is not dissimilar. My conversations with college-aged clients have revealed how risky it feels to many students to connect with new acquaintances. One professor noted how subdued the university dining hall seems today compared to her own student years when the carfeteria was full of noise and activity. She observed that today almost all students were engaged on their screens rather than with peers sitting around them. Her observations are noteworthy in light of recent research findings showing that 60% of college students were feeling “very lonely most of the time”. While connecting with others from a range of backgrounds, interests and ideas has been understood to be an invaluable opportunity of higher education, it appears that many students are graduating from university not having enjoyed this invaluable benefit.
Social connections span a range of relationships, from casual acquaintances to intimate friendships, and there is ample research showing how significantly all forms of social connection impact our overall wellbeing. Social connection is understood to be more important than nutrition, exercise or sleep to the quality of our lives, and to be critical to both our physical and mental health. The percentage of people reporting loneliness and depression is alarmingly high; this is true for all age groups, and for teens and young adults in particular. Loneliness has been declared to be a “global public health concern” by the World Health Organization, and chronic loneliness is understood to be more detrimental to one’s health than smoking 12 cigarettes a day! Restrictions and isolation during Covid clearly interfered with the opportunity to practice social connection. Social anxiety, described most simply as fear of being negatively judged by others, and already at epidemic levels among adolescents prior to Covid, increased dramatically during the pandemic. One recent study found that 25% of women aged 15-24 years described suffering with social phobia during 2022. We know that social anxiety is most effectively addressed by taking actions that seem simply daunting.
Awareness of the benefits of social connection to our overall well being as well as acknowledging the costs of isolation and loneliness can be a starting point. Taking steps towards more frequent and meaningful social engagement promises huge advantages to our mental and physical health, including our mood and sense of wellbeing. In addition, there are significant benefits to those to who we rach and even to those who simply observe the prosocial actions of others! What often gets in the way of our reaching out to those around us has be aptly described as “the awkward start-up cost”, that is, the sense of anxiety and or risk we feel in connecting with someone we don’t already know. It is always helpful to remind ourselves that, for almost everyone, being acknowledged, even with a simple “hi” from another is a positive and even heart-warming experience.
For over 40 years Nancy has practiced as a Registered Psychologist, specialized in assessing and treating children, adolescents and families. She has practiced with Boyd & Associates since 1991; prior to that she worked in varied government and private programs. Nancy supports children and teens who present with a range of mental health concerns including anxiety, depression, ADHD, adjustment, trauma, and family issues. She assists families and parents in their intentions to effectively support their children's emotional development and well being. Nancy graduated from the University of British Columbia in 1977 with her Master of Arts in Clinical Psychology. She is a member of the B.C. Psychological Association.
