After the death of a person or pet dear to your child, the holidays, especially the first ones, can become emotionally complicated. It is hard to know if you should celebrate and honour old traditions or ignore them and pretend like nothing is happening. For each family this journey will be unique and what you will need will be slightly different. Here are some ideas that might make this time a little less difficult for you all.
Support is Essential – This is a complicated time and you won’t be able to figure out the solutions alone. Gather your support system; find people (both friends, family and professionals) you can talk to about your feelings and needs. In order to help your family you need to take care of yourself. You cannot support your children if you are not receiving support and processing your feelings and responses.
Communication is Key – This is the first step to talk openly with your children even those just learning to talk about what is happening. For younger kids these conversations work best in small spurts, since their attention span is only around 2 or 3 minutes. When talking with the younger ones, it is helpful to use the words they will need to express themselves. Phrases like, “After grandma died, I have been feeling really sad and missing her a lot”; this is called grief. Younger children may struggle to share with you since they do not have the vocabulary. Reading books about death and loss can help them find the words they need to process what they are feeling. This will also help them understand that they are not alone.
Find a time when you are not rushed and feel calm. It is helpful to talk to the family about how they feel about the upcoming holiday. Ask what they feel they need at this time. Are there traditions the missing family member used to do that they still want to have happen? Are there traditions or activities that they do not feel ready to do or participate in? Make a plan for creating space for feelings of all kinds during this time. Also create plans for how to leave or find time alone if someone needs space or quiet. Do not go into situations where it will be impossible for you and your kids to leave early or find quiet spaces. It can be helpful to let the others who join your celebrations know what is happening and what changes to expect as well as ways they can be helpful to you and your children (being specific to them is helpful).
Come Prepared – Hunger, lack of sleep, and not having the essential comfort items can make all these situations harder to manage. If the person who was gone traditionally managed these things it can be helpful to create a coping kit so you are not ever somewhere without snacks, Kleenex, or comfort items. It may also include things to keep small hands busy like crayons or fidgets.
It is alright to feel happy as well as sad. It is normal to feel joy, sadness, numbness, anger, and a wide range of emotions. It is helpful to let your children know that these feelings are normal. In very young children their feelings will change dramatically for very short periods of time (2 minutes happy then 2 minutes angry). They may also start doing things from their younger years (regression). If this happens, respond to the need and do not worry that they are acting younger. Often, the behaviour is a way to cope with big feelings.
Pace Yourself – Less is more when facing these complicated situations. Scale back and do not fall to the pressure to do too much. If you and the kids are overwhelmed it is alright to sit celebrations or traditions out. Listen to you and the children’s needs.
In time this will become easier and holidays will feel less stressful.
Remember you are not alone and if you need support there are many professionals and friends who are here to walk the journey with you.
