Communicating Assertively
Conflict and anger in life are normal and to be expected. Anger often rears its head when there is a gap between what we want or need from someone and what we are actually getting. Anger can be healthy in instances when it provides us with the energy for honest communication. It can also be destructive when it is used as a source of power or to blame and control others.
Anger comes in various forms and can be expressed with silence or passivity (under-reaction) , aggression (over-reaction), or by assertiveness which involves direct and open communication. Let’s take a look at the differences between the first two styles of communication and ask yourself if it is possible that your depression, anxiety, or conflict with others could be connected to these styles of communication.
1. Passivity: This style comes from a place of fear. People expressing passive anger look and sound timid and may appear shy and insecure. They often become angry at self and others for being taken advantage of. When they are hurt, they internalize their anger and keep it bottled up or they may get even by withdrawing and giving the silent treatment to those who have offended them. They may often feel powerless towards those they believe control them. This in turn can generate self-dislike which may pull the person toward compulsive and avoidant behaviours (drugs, alcohol, internet) to avoid the problems they know exist in their lives. These are fearful, cautious, unconfident, indirect, lonely and apologetic individuals.
2. Aggression: This style is also fear based. People expressing aggressive anger look and sound intimidating and angry. They set boundaries with threats. When they are hurt they hurt others and when angry they blame others. It is through their fear and sense of powerlessness that they insist on having control. Despite feeling lonely inside they increase their alienation by being critical and verbally or physically abusive. These people are also often pulled toward compulsive behaviours to avoid their problems.
The key ingredient is to first recognize if you have a tendency to engage in either passive or aggressive communication. Some people alternate between both styles, either remaining silent and then exploding or the reverse, exploding and then retreating with guilt and remorse.
Communicating your anger with passivity or aggression is harmful and results in the destruction of relationships with family, friends or co-workers.
Communicating your anger assertively and respectfully empowers your self esteem and is an indication that you care enough to work out your problems.
Therapy assists individuals who struggle with these issues by helping them figure out what is behind their anger and then learning that “assertiveness is an attitude that allows you to act in your best interest, express yourself honestly, and exercise your personal rights without denying the rights of others.” The goal is to develop the knowledge, skills and willingness to make change.
“HOLDING ONTO ANGER IS LIKE GRASPING A HOT COAL WITH THE INTENT OF THROWING IT AT SOMEONE ELSE, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU ARE THE ONE WHO GETS BURNED” (Prince Gautama Siddharta, founder of Buddhism, 563-483 BC)
Maureen offers an environment in which rapport, safety, empathy and trust are instilled to assist her clients in addressing their personal life challenges. Her areas of interest include depression, anxiety, and communication breakdown, assertiveness skills, self-esteem, personal growth, family of origin issues, emotional dysregulation and the development of emotional awareness. She has a special interest in assisting individuals who are highly sensitive and introverted. She also works with individuals who have personally struggled with their own, or a loved one's behaviour, involving Narcissistic or Borderline traits. Maureen's therapeutic approach is eclectic and dependent on the clients situation and goals. Techniques may include Cognitive Behavioural, modified Dialectical Behavioural, Emotionally Focused, Systems and Adlerian therapy. Prior to obtaining her B.A. from SFU in Psychology and Criminology, and Master of Arts in Counselling Psychology from Adler School of Professional Psychology in Chicago, Maureen was a research assistant with the U.B.C. Mood Disorders Clinic and a volunteer with the RCMP Victim Services. Maureen is married with 3 adult children and 3 grand children. Maureen is also a member of the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors and the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association .
