Erik Erikson, a psychoanalyst of the middle twentieth century, developed a scheme of human life in which he saw people at each
new age-stage of life confronting new and different sorts of life challenges. It is interesting to examine his views about the last stage of life, when a person has retired and is addressing the question, “Has my life been happy and worthwhile?”
To ask myself how I feel about my life overall is a big question. How does one respond to such a question? At one level, all of us ask, “How am I doing?” all the time. Erikson said that in mulling over one’s history it is important to address the sad things, the mistakes, the failures and the disappointments; we should not wallow in them, but ask if we have really gotten over them and come to peace with them. All of us have negative memories. The big ones, however, are the ones that render me seriously uneasy about whether I have been a good person, a loving, helpful person, and a constructive person—or whether I have hurt people, damaged myself, violated my own personal values.
Let’s face it; we have all disappointed ourselves at times. Erikson said one way to cope with such letdowns is to grieve them. That means mourning and accepting that one made mistakes, however well-intentioned one was, and that they are in the past now—there is sadness, which needs to be felt and respected and given its time, but ultimately, it does little good to cry endlessly. I can help myself move on with the thought that a lesson of some kind came out of the experience.
There’s another reason why I hold on to bad memories, though, and that is that I want to understand them. What happened? Why did things go wrong? Who hurt whom and why? It is a lot easier to let go of things and move on when I see what forces were at play, and what moved the people involved to act as they did. In the same way, Erikson said it is important to understand that one’s parents were people in their own right who probably did the best they could at the time. With understanding comes forgiveness.
Erikson said that it is easier to set a positive seal on one’s life if one can feel that, overall, one contributed to the world, and if one was a member of good standing in the community of one’s family, friends and work associates. Ultimately, I have to see that the world is a big place, that life goes on, that life itself is sacred, and that we are all part of something bigger. The validity and meaning of any individual life comes from having humility and seeing that we are all worthwhile, we all have our part to play, we all are doing the best we can, and that my life, despite its many harsh moments, is still valuable and lovable.
Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash
Simon Hearn has been counselling since 1981 in a variety of settings including private practice, hospitals, forensic units and vocational rehabilitation. He graduated with a Ph.D. in Psychology from Simon Fraser University in 1994 and is a member of the BC College of Psychologists and the BC Psychological Association. Simon works mainly with adults, using a collaborative approach to counselling; this approach encourages clients to develop their own resources to grow in understanding themselves and making wise choices. Simon draws on a variety of theoretical and practical perspectives in his psychotherapy work and has completed the second level of training in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), a powerful method for helping people get over trauma and build self confidence and self-esteem.
